Giggling Into the Pillow Read online

  By three o'clock we had been visited by four more women, three men, two couples, a youth group, and a city council member who asked to remain anonymous. We were getting discouraged.

  “I don't believe this many people lost a sex toy,” Kim said. “Suddenly I don't feel so perverted anymore.”

  I sat down next to her. “Will you be all right?” I asked.

  She hove a deep sigh. “I suppose. A few days and I'll start feeling dirty again, I'm sure. Do you believe these people?”

  “I know,” Teres said. “My favorite so far is the lady that tried to shoplift it.”

  I chuckled. “Or the guy who said he couldn't recognize it unless he tried it.”

  “What are we going to do if the real owner never shows up?” Teres asked.

  “If no one claims it within 30 days, it's yours, hon,” I said. She snorted. “We could always take it to the next PTA meeting and ask if anyone’s missing a dick.”

  Kim suggested we auction it off. “We could give the money to charity, like unwed mothers or something.”

  Our 5:00 appointment was running late, so we started packing up. “We can leave the sign up and people can call,” I said.

  Teres looked up, horrified. “Oh, no, I'm not taking calls for this thing if you're not here. What if I get attacked?”

  “Hit 'em with George.”

  Kim left to hit the bathroom, just as a car pulled up in the driveway. “Whoops,” I said. “Your table might be dickless tonight after all.”

  The woman waiting outside our front door was trim and elegant, well dressed and beautiful. She was in her late 40's, had auburn hair that looked natural, and was clearly fit. Her eyes were hazel, her suit was Donna Karan, and she voted Republican.

  No, I couldn't tell that from looking. Kim had told us once that her mom voted for Bush.

  To her credit, she didn't seem as flustered as I would have expected, not that I would have expected Kim's mom to show up at our house at all, much less in search of cock. “Oh,” she said. “Oh. My, I didn't expect this.”

  Teres recovered before I did. “Won't you come in, Mrs. Sullivan,” she said. “We were just cleaning up.”

  Mrs. Sullivan entered the room with such poise and grace that I momentarily forgot she was here to lay claim to a rubber dick. “You've got such a beautiful home,” she said.

  We stood there uncomfortably for a moment, and then she saw the table. “Oh my God, there it is.” She walked briskly over and snatched the penis off the pillow, cradling it in both hands and looking it over for marks, for all the world like a she was judging a prize-winning zucchini. Maybe she was. “Not a scratch on him,” she said, amazed. Next to me Teres was fighting desperately to keep from giggling. I was simply in shock.

  Not as much as Kim was, though, when she walked back in to see her mother kissing the head of nearly a foot of cock. “MOM! What the hell are you doing?” I assumed it was a trick question.

  Mrs. Sullivan stood up straight and lowered her penis. “This is mine, dear,” she said. Kim stood there, open-mouthed and breathing like a distance jogger.

  “But… you… Daddy? Does Daddy know you have… one of those?” she asked, pointing.

  “I'm afraid he does now. He found it in my makeup case Friday night and went ballistic. Yelled something about him not being good enough for me and then he drove off with it. He was right, of course, but that’s no excuse to steal my property. I suppose he thought this was remote enough where no one would find it, or have the brains to do anything if they did. No offense,” she said.

  “None taken,” I said.

  “I was driving around yesterday looking for it and I saw the ad. It never occurred to me it would be you kids.”

  Teres smiled. “We pick up the darndest things.”

  Mrs. Sullivan tucked George, with difficulty, into her purse. It bulged. A lot. “Well,” she said with a bright smile. “I suppose I'd better find a better place to hide him, eh?”

  Before I could stop myself, I spoke up. “You should ask Kim, Mrs. Sullivan. You two have a lot in common.” Kim stopped staring at her mother just long enough to fix a malevolent glare on me, silently assuring me of unbelievable amounts of pain in my immediate and unavoidable future.

  Her mom grinned and pulled Kim into a hug. “Yeah, I know. We both have lousy taste in men.”

  Kim's voice came out muffled and timid. “But great shopping skills,” she said. Mrs. Sullivan just laughed and took her by the arm as they both walked out the door.

  “So what kind do you like?” we heard her mom asking.

  Teres and I sank onto the couch and looked at each other, lips and jaws struggling, until the car sounds faded, and then we let ourselves laugh it out. It took a while. The hilarity of the situation, plus the underlying dread of certain Kim-based retribution, took our breath away and we just howled.

  Finally I calmed down enough to say, “That was way more about her family than I ever wanted to know.” Teres just kept giggling that great laugh of hers. When the knock on the door came she was still curled up, shaking, so I got up to get it.

  The two men standing there wore identical white short sleeve shirts, black pants and ties, and they both held familiar-looking pamphlets and bibles. What the heck, I figured. After spending the day discovering the kinky inclinations of our immediate neighbors, a little harmless religious proselytizing might be refreshing, and it'd do us good to talk about something that doesn't involve lubrication in any obvious manner. Besides, we still had some chicken left. “Come on in, fellas. What can I do for you?”

  They looked at each other nervously, and shuffled their feet. Finally one of them spoke up.

  “We heard you found something…?”

  -------------------------

  Are You Sexy Enough?

  “How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”

  “We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes”“

  “Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”

  “How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

  Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including The Christian Science Monitor and Highlights. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

  Well, Hoot Island does have its standards, and we expect our readers to make the grade. Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

  To me, Sex is…

  a. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship

  b. something to be shared with that redhead over there

  c. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship

  d. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing

  e. more necessary than air

  My favorite sex toy is powered by:

  a. “C” batteries

  b. a car battery

  c. a turbine engine

  d. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals

  e. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

  The last place I had sex was:

  a. in bed, with the lights off

  b. on the dining room table, with the lights on

  c. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on

  d. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass
at midnight, with the lights off

  e. inside a coffin, during a cremation

  I judge a man's sexuality by his:

  a. length

  b. length and width

  c. imagination

  d. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap

  e. network of scar patterns

  What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?

  a. male orgasm

  b. intercourse, male orgasm

  c. foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm

  d. foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)

  e. Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

  I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:

  a. hooters

  b. sensual, confident attitude

  c. willingness to have sex with me

  d. hooters and willingness to have sex with me

  e. willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

  How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?

  a. 12

  b. 35

  c. all of them

  d. only the ones on my lover’s actual body

  e. all of them, and I created three more

  Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?

  a. 9”

  b. 10”

  c. 11”

  d. a and c

  e. I add the sum of all the lengths and divide by the number of man currently in bed

  How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?

  a. my diary

  b. reading The National Enquirer

  c. collecting CDs of every band I’ve had

  d. a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly

  e. my staff handles that sort of thing

  I learned about sex from:

  a. my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer

  b. my schoolmates

  c. porn videos

  d. porn videos starring my parents

  e. directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

  My first time was:

  a. gentle and loving, with someone I cared about

  b. wild and animalistic, with someone handy

  c. a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume

  d. as number #257 and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”

  e. recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

  Safe sex means:

  a. condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in

  b. getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib

  c. wearing your seatbelt during

  d. making sure the knots are within reach

  e. knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

  What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?

  a. an honest 3 minutes, by God!

  b. halftime

  c. the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives

  d. the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie

  e. it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

  You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?

  a. end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache

  b. continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out

  c. stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames

  d. leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting

  e. immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

  Oral sex is:

  a. okay, I guess

  b. better than anything on this earth, except for the World Cup

  c. the best way to shut someone up, ever

  d. the very best way to say “good morning!”

  e. the only proper study of a lifetime

  How far will you go on a first date?

  a. a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable

  b. a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off

  c. oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave

  d. an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say

  e. I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

  Anal sex is:

  a. dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God

  b. okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee

  c. something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly

  d. something to be approached with bear grease

  e. what you do after everything else on your body is used up

  I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:

  a. be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently

  b. get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets

  c. be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist

  d. probably get their name, at some point

  e. probably discover their gender, at some point

  If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?

  a. with affronted dignity and the barest suggestion of a possible lawsuit

  b. with flattered “thank you”s

  c. with wild sex and some photography of my own

  d. with tips on lighting and composition

  e. with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

  After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?

  a. until after the relationship is over

  b. until the next day, at lunch

  c. until I can reach the phone without offending

  d. until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend

  e. I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

  Scoring

  Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

  20 — 39 points: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this book really isn’t for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

  40 — 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

  60 — 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

  80 — 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everyth
ing and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

  100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or else you’re just a total slut, but that’s good too.

  -------------------------

  How Was Your Service?

  The following is, as close as I can remember it, a verbatim conversation held in bed one cozy morning:

  “That was exceedingly pleasant.”

  “Thank you, thank you, all part of the service.”

  “Really? Is there a tip jar?”

  “No, your gratuity was included in your bill. Skooch over, you're hogging the blankie.”

  “I thought that was only when the party was over 7 people?”

  “It's a complimentary service I provide for my best customers. Gimme.”

  “Then I should fill out the comment card. Here, you can't get more blankie because you're lying on it. Now, comments… I never have a pen when I need one…”

  “What does the card say?”

  “Hey, don't snoop while I'm writing. Hmmm. 'Quality of Service? ' Excellent.”

  “Thank you.”

  “'Promptness? ' Well, you were a little slow getting started…”